I don’t know who I thought I was, banging out a 23 hour trip to New York specifically to see one person for two hours, but here I am, back on a bus to Boston. While in New York (and the past five days, in fact, so don’t get it twisted), I drank my calories rather than ate, and talked too much about too many aspects of my life. C’est la vie, as they say, but some very serious...
I don’t give the finger, I just tell people to fuck off!– Chelsea Handler
That’s what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is somebody...– Louis C.K. (via winnr) Okay
Bitch, make me a shrimp scampi.– Best quote of the day
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-12-25) →
Britney Spears (3) Lloyd Banks (2) J. Cole (2) Michael Jackson (2) Lil’ Wayne (2) Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Conversations of an Awesome Relationship, Part 1
Me: Yo yo yo, whattup Blood?
J: No more 90s gangster rap for you.
I need your help. I can’t tell you what it is. You can never ask me about...– The Town … Probably the only time I will ever say that Ben Affleck appeared to be sexy - whilst quoting this line
This dumb bitch got drunk on a Megabus and lost a... →
Let’s not kid ourselves - I know what “fatigued” means.
I’m almost positive that u have been waiting for this text all night but I...– Texts coworkers send me at 2 AM
Transitioning from beer drunk to wine drunk. Hoping I don’t accidentally sext someone or - even worse - continue watching some bullshit MTV how.
Bryan: Denise, do you know what my goal is tonight?
Me: To get some bitches?
Bryan: Cheee-yah. But you know what else is my goal?
Me: What else is your goal?
Bryan: To have to go to the clinic tomorrow.
Save it lady, and then shake it like a Polaroid picture.– His response
You’re unbelievable. I’m keeping this text for when you try and run...– Herman Cain Junior aka my boy Justin
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-12-18) →
Beyoncé (3) Marques Houston (2) The Notorious B.I.G. (2) Jamie Foxx (1) Flo Rida (1) Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
admittedly, I only know it's the festival of...
Me: [Answering the phone] Happy Hanukkah!
Friend: What? Huh? Wait, what did you say?
Me: Hanukkah! It's the first night of Hanukkah.
Friend: What the fuck is Hanukkah?
Me: It's the festival of lights. So it's the first night for that or whatever.
Friend: Oh shit, is that an African thing?
Me: I mean, I guess Jews are in Africa, sure. Wait, are you high?
Friend: You know me.
Googling people’s addresses has gotten significantly more difficult this year. I could have sworn that last year I sent out my cards entirely from googling my assorted family members (with whom I don’t engage in any sort of regular contact [a holiday card feels to be a passive-but-nice-enough way to remedy that?]), but I just cannot seem to find a way to glean addresses without...
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-12-11) →
Beyoncé (5) 2Pac (2) Christina Aguilera (2) Britney Spears (2) Justin Timberlake (1) Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Maybe I *am* a Negative Nelly, but I don’t need you nitwits to point that...– This one dude is a serious Negative Nelly, and up until this point, I was sure was self aware enough to realize that. Apparently not …
There’s a Starbucks inside the church? I would accept Jesus Christ for...– Because duh
Why am I entertaining your bullshit?– The first thing J says to me pretty much on the regular. As Jennifer Hudson once pondered (in song), if this isn’t love, then tell me what it is.
Me: [Telling J my plans for the night]
J: All right babe, ball out to tonight.
Me: I'm gonna ball so hard mothafuckas gonna fine me.
J: Alllllllllll right.
Me: That shit cray.
J: We're done here. [Hangs up]
Oh, also everything. I’m awesome at everything but I wanted to single out...– This is what happens when you have a best friend who is the male version of yourself. He says things and I get equally pissed that he’s still alive and that I didn’t think of saying it first.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-12-4) →
Jay-Z & Kanye West (3) Adele (3) Nas (2) Cassie (2) Eminem (2) Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
A.S.B.: Who doesn't like a blonde joke? →
afternoonsnoozebutton: A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The…
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and figure it the fuck out. I am almost irrationally beside myself because I can’t watch a single episode of Teen Mom online that I haven’t already seen. I’m serious. This is my emotional state. Oh, and also my relationship is haywire right now. Cool story, bro.